The Spider

I have a major phobia about spiders. They terrify me, always have. This morning Kira comes running out of her bedroom screaming, "There is a spider in my room! Kill it mommy, I'm scared!!". She does tend to exaggerate so I wasn't too worried....until I went into her room and saw the biggest hobo spider I have ever seen, just chilling out in one of her toy bins. Freaked me out! Luckily I had some spider killer spray, because there was no way in hell that I was going to get close enough to squish the evil thing. So I drowned it with poison and literally grabbed Kira and ran out of her room. Anyone who saw us would have thought we were running from a crazed axe murderer, not some stupid insect. I am proud to say that I managed to suck it up, deal with my phobia, and protect my baby from the evil spider. I used to call my husband to kill spiders because my fear is just that dehibilating, but he was at work and he won't answer anyway if I call. So I faced my greatest fear, by myself. And I kicked evil spider butt. I am proud of myself, but at the same time I am a little sad because I realized that the little things that my husband used to do for me now irritate him. I don't even feel comfortable asking him to help me anymore, for anything, because he is either too busy or gets angry with me. That makes me sad. And a little angry.

Religion and the Penis

Religion is like a penis. It's great if you have one, but don't go shoving it down other people's throats when they don't want you too. It's just rude. My whole life I have watched and listened to people debating religion. I do not debate religion, I feel that your religious beliefs are personal and private. I don't care what you worship, just don't expect everyone to feel the same as you. So many wars, so much hatred and intolerance, all over a belief system. I don't know God personally, but I bet that he/she/whatever doesn't approve of narrow minded, dogmatic beliefs- or violence and hatred perpetuated in the name of religion. Seriously...live and let live. And keep your penis to yourself unless you are asked to share!

Monkeys Throwing Poop

I have been very stressed out lately. It is like I am trying to keep the peace in a monkey cage, and all the monkeys do is throw poop at me. I have noticed that when the other adult monkeys are not here the baby monkeys (and their mommy) do much better. There is poop flinging, but it doesn't bother me and there is a relative peace and calm in the cage. When the adult monkeys come back to the cage it is a constant battle for me just to duck the poop that they throw, then I have to clean up all that poop...while the poop rains down. I have to watch my words or I will step on a poop mine and get blown up. I am not allowed to complain about the poop, I am just to clean it up and keep my monkey mouth shut. The adult monkeys in the cage need to quit throwing poop and take some responsibility for themselves. Because there is a whole world out there, and there are countless monkey cages...and not all monkeys throw poop. Sometimes it is good to remember that.

The Top of the World

The view from the top of the world.

We went to a family reunion in the high mountains of Montana this weekend. It was the first time that Dragon or Little Lion had ever been camping, and I got to meet family that I haven't seen in decades. We had a wonderful time, although the drive was tricky. Take two babies, haul a fifth wheel trailer through the switchback roads of rural Montana, and you have a trip that was both wonderful and exhausting. It took two days for us to get to the lodge, but the scenery was breathtaking. Both babies did fairly well, they are travelers like their mommy. Dragon really liked the experience of camping, her biggest happiness came from toasting marshmallows over the fire and throwing rocks in the river. Little Lion did very well, he likes to drive and was content to look out the window at the trees. Although I have to say that camping is much different when you use a trailer. I am used to just pitching a tent and sleeping on the ground, but with babies a RV makes it much easier. Plus I am spoiled and like electricity...

Shopping With Babies Sucks

It is almost 3:00 in the afternoon and I am impatiently waiting for the little lion to wake up so that I can take the babies to school. I love their school, it gives me a break. I am going to go clothes shopping while they are in school today. I am supposed to go grocery shopping, but I can't bear too, so clothes shopping it is. I tried to go grocery shopping earlier, but I only managed to get baby and pet stuff before the tantrums started. Little lion didn't want to be strapped in the cart, dragon girl wanted to run around, and mommy just wanted to leave. It is very tricky to go anywhere with two babies. You have the big old diaper bag, a squirming baby, an independent toddler who never listens, a headache because you have been up all night soothing nightmares and providing bottles, and you are trying your best to do what you need to do while trying to keep the babies from getting hit by a car or abducted by some sicko. Shopping was so much easier when I was single...but not nearly as much fun!

Dinner

Tonight I am making barbeque baked beans and pork, cooked in the crockpot. I decided to make some cornbread, and found a great recipe at Allrecipes.com. It came out lovely, so I figured that I would share.

1 1/2 cups cornmeal
2 1/2 cups milk
2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tablespoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

2/3 cup white sugar

2 eggs

1/2 cup vegetable oil

I added a teaspoon of vanilla for sweetness

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). In a small bowl, combine cornmeal and milk; let stand for 5 minutes. Grease a 9x13 inch baking pan.
2. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Mix in the cornmeal mixture, eggs and oil until smooth. Pour batter into prepared pan.
3. Bake in preheated oven for 30 to 35 minutes, or until a knife inserted into the center of the cornbread comes out clean.

New Tunes

I listen to music constantly, and I just love it when I find a new group. I found this today, it is The Pretty Reckless. Enjoy!

Look at the Pretty Lights

Did you know that if you go without sleep for long enough you get to have visual and auditory hallucinations? It is interesting, if nothing else. I keep seeing the most beautiful light, it is like the aurora borealis in Alaska. Vague, amorphous shapes that have rainbow edges. I still haven't slept. It is 4am. The little lion is still roaring, the husband is still sleeping. I thought that since he didn't have to get up for work today that he might give me a hand. I thought wrong. Seriously...when your wife has been awake and dealing with a sick baby with no break, when she is hallucinating because she hasn't slept in days, you suck it up and get up with the freaking baby! If the dragon wasn't in bed with him I would so throw a bucket of cold water on him.

Why Are All My Posts About Sleep Deprivation?

Is it bad that I am seriously considering leaving my husband simply because I am so sleep deprived that the idea of the babies going to their dad's for the weekend- and me finally getting to sleep- sounds like heaven? My little lion is sick. Very sick. Which means sleepless nights and whiny days. Since Tuesday I have had 3 hours of sleep. It's Friday. My husband knows this, he sees how much the little lion and I are suffering, but he won't help. Last night I went to bed at 9:30, having been awake, alone, and dealing with a sick baby for 36 hours straight. My little lion roared a half an hour later. My hubby was still up but I had to pull baby duty. I guess he was busy...or something. Same thing at 11:45. I finally got up for the day at midnight- with a screaming baby, worried crazy, and utterly exhausted. And my husband, continuing the great tradition of men being insensitive asshats, refused to help. Again. I spent the night on the floor in the lion's den, trying to console the inconsolable. My husband spent the night sleeping. Again. To give him credit he did tell me that he would get up with the little lion and let me sleep until 7:30am when he leaves for work...he told me this at 6am. I told him to f**k off. I am not very nice sometimes- monsters are like that, you know. I need some music to motivate me, to get me through the exhaustion fog. This is my current favorite song. Lately, it just fits my mood for some reason...

Sleep Deprivation is a Special Form of Torture

       My monsters won't sleep. My dragon girl is sick again and the little lion is not sleeping tonight. This last week I am averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night, last night I only got 2. I am so tired that I actually did the math (I hate math) and I would need to sleep 27 hours straight just to catch up sleep from the last 5 days. I need Thorazine. Or a roofie. This is ridiculous. My husband won't get up with the kids and it makes me even crazier. I understand, he has to work and I stay home, but it drives me nuts anyway. He offered to come home early today and let me sleep, but after a week of sick kids and sleepless nights I am snappish and I told him not to bother. My twisted monster logic goes like this- he won't help me when I really need him to (say, at 3am) so I don't want his help anymore. It's not fair to him, I know how unhealthy it is to think like that, but right now I don't freaking care. I'm exhausted. If this was torture I would totally give away my secrets....because everything sucks when you aren't allowed to sleep.
       I have to say though, watching cartoons at 4am with a sick toddler is actually kind of fun. We drank milk, cuddled on the couch, and discussed life. My husband is missing out on some very good times, while he blissfully enjoys his full night of sleep. And I know it's wrong but I resent him for it. See, that is the thing about losing your mind to exhaustion. You start to get irritated very quickly, your head aches, you can't get a grasp on the world around you, and everything feels like it is covered in sandpaper. It is a little like being high, but not nearly as much fun. I can speak with some authority on the subject because my kids never sleep and before I had kids I stayed up all night for...ummm... other reasons. Maybe I should just quit trying to sleep. Or maybe I should try to get a good nights sleep and start eating more so I don't drop dead. Whatever requires the least amount of effort.

The Prince(ss) and the Puffy

I am so incredibly sick. We have all been sick, but dragon and I had to make a trip to the doctor for some healing potions. She is doing better, but I am not. I can't sleep. Not because I'm sick, although that doesn't help, but because between a sick dragon and a teething lion man no one in this house sleeps. Last night was particularly bad because my adorable little lion man would. not. sleep!!! I tried everything, a warm bottle, cuddles, medicine.....nothing was working. After about three hours of this (bear in mind this started at 12:30) I finally decided to change his jammies. Nothing else had worked, and I was praying to any god that would listen to just LET ME REST!! So I pulled off his jammies in desperation, only to find the reason for his sleeplessness. He had a puffy stuck to his butt. If you are a parent, you know what a puffy is...it is a puffed grain snack made for babies. It is like baby crack. They can't get enough. My little prince(ss) could not sleep because he had a puffy stuck to his butt. Maybe because I am so very tired, or maybe I am just going even more insane, but I found this to be the funniest thing ever. It reminded me of the old fairy tale, "The Princess and the Pea".

No, Giving Birth Does Not Look Like That!

I have no spare time so I have to DVR all of my favorite shows and watch them when I get some rare downtime. So I tend to be hopelessly behind on my shows. Babies will do that to a girl- they are an incredible time suck! Last night I finally watched the season finale of Bones. I love the show. I like how the character of Dr. Brennan is portrayed, she is totally my hero. I have been a faithful viewer since the show premiered. I liked the finale, I am thrilled that (spoiler alert) Dr. Brennan is now knocked up by a one time night with Agent Booth. What I am not thrilled with is how the writers portrayed the birth of Angela's baby (for those who have never seen the show, Angela is Dr. Brennan's best friend). They showed her laying in a hospital bed, still working hard to solve the murder while she grimaced every few minutes for the "contractions". At least they showed her mouthing off to the doctor! When it came time to push she looked soulfully into her husbands eyes and they had this nice little "I love you so much that everyone around us wants to puke" speech. Really. As a very strong woman who has given birth twice, let me tell you that birth doesn't even remotely go like that! You are scared, lying in bed with contractions ripping through your body. You do not solve crime, you beg for drugs! When it comes to push time, there is no time or desire for a long intimate talk with your hubby. And you certainly aren't very happy with the idiot who put you in that hospital bed because he wanted to get some action 10 months ago! You are sweaty, irritated, in more pain than you have even even imagined that you could feel. And you are so worried about this little life, so concerned with how this little piece of your soul is dealing with their birth, that all else fades into the background. No, it isn't pretty or romantic, but it is real.

Strange Dreams

I have always been fascinated with dreams, I truly believe that our dreams are the venue in which our subconscious chooses to speak to us. I am blessed (cursed) to have vivid dreams, although mine are usually of the zombie variety. But last night I had the most bizarre dream, one that I can not even begin to interpret. I dreamed that I was in this old, cheap trailer in the middle of a field. The trailer was of the olive green, 1970's special variety. It was falling apart, but decorated in the most fantastic and glamorous fashion. There were silks and satins covering the walls, deep purples and brilliant golds. The furniture was gold brocade with tassels, and the curtains were a gauzy hot pink. I was sitting in this trailer of fantasy with four transvestites in full drag. Not petite, giggly transvestites...big, booming transvestites. Who desperately needed to shave. I was trying to tell them that a storm was coming, that it was bad, but they wouldn't listen to me. Then it started raining glittery confetti. Seriously. I have absolutely no idea what this means, other then I drank way too much last night.

Cheers!!

I have a goal tonight. I am going to try and drink an entire bottle of my sissy, fruity white wine. For many, that wouldn't mean much more than a headache. But I have no alcohol tolerance so this will probably get me pretty drunk. I know, I know....mommys can't get drunk. But I have two sick, cranky kids and I figure the best plan of action for the upcoming sleepless night is to just maintain a good buzz. It's a good plan. Probably not a very healthy plan...but whatever gets me through the night. Wish me luck!

Sick Babies, Teenagers, and a Nice Stiff Drink

I suppose it was inevitable...the little lion got sick at his first day of daycare. He woke up today with a fever, so he gets to stay home from school today. I expected it, but I hate it when they are sick. It does remind me of one of the mysteries of motherhood that I never understood until I became a mommy. Even when they are cranky and dripping green goo from every orifice, mommy will still give cuddles and kisses. Gross, but true.  Hopefully I can get my stepdaughter to babysit so I can still go to class. She is home again, at least for today. I remember how difficult that age was (she is almost 21), but even though I can understand, I still get irritated with her because....well...because she is 21. Teenagers and young adults are aliens from another planet, an angst filled, want-to-be-adult-but-still-a-kid planet. I empathize, but trying to juggle adolescent drama with toddler demands and baby tending is exhausting. Add one absent, irritated hubby and it equals....a nice, stiff drink for mommy!!!

It Takes a Village?

Dragon and little lion had their first experience with daycare last night. I hope that I am making the right decision, mommy guilt blows. They did very well, but when I picked them up they were both sitting on the floor sobbing their beautiful blue eyes out...it made me feel horrible, their big teary eyes. I feel almost selfish to put them in daycare so that I can train, but all monsters need to have a destructive outlet. Besides, the old saying "It takes a village to raise a child" probably has merit. I know that dragon will benefit from the socialization, the babies need to experience care other than monster mommy care. However, I have found that I am way too alpha to leave my pups with the villagers without keeping a close watch on the village. While I agree that it does indeed take a village to raise a child, this monster knows all too well the dangers that lurk in the depths of this twisted world. I am terrified that without their monster mommy's obsessive care my babies could be vulnerable. I need to get over that.

Women are from Venus, Men are from....

No matter how hard I try I will never understand men. I don't understand how they think, I don't understand why they act the way they do. I swear my toddler dragon is easier to understand, and she has fewer temper tantrums! It seems like it is always two steps forward and three steps back, trying to figure out this minefield. Sometimes I feel like an army general trying to win a war that I don't understand. And those pesky mines...I need to learn how to defuse landmines. Sounds like a dangerous hobby....

The Sunday Question

How is it that I can feel so totally alone even when I am surrounded by people? We went to a lovely barbecue tonight. The kids had so much fun, the hubby was surrounded by his people, and monster mommy....well....I just tended the kids and watched everyone happily chatting and laughing. I guess sometimes we just don't fit in, no matter how much we want too. It's hard sometimes to relate.....

I Just Need an Hour

I need to go grocery shopping. I have needed to for days, but I figured that since my hubby had a rare weekend home that I could find just one hour during the entire weekend to buy food. I figured wrong I guess. It is Sunday afternoon and I am still waiting to go. It is one of the drawbacks of being married to a genius. He gets so involved in his current "project" that he forgets about what I need to do. Ok, but if anyone complains about not having food in the house, don't blame the mommy!

The Frozen Wasteland

It is June and there is a frost warning for tonight. Yep, that's the defination of a frozen wasteland, frost in June. I had to go out in my pajamas (the red footy ones my hubby got for me, the ones with the ninja monkeys) and cover my garden. It wasn't all bad though, it reminded me of helping mother in the garden. She would have to cover the rows with blankets every fall because it is truly a frozen wasteland here. But I do remember how cool I thought the rows looked with the blankets over them. I will have to show the dragon when she gets up tomorrow.

Holy Crap Daycare is Expensive!!!

Today I enrolled the dragon in preschool and the lion baby in daycare at a seemingly good school with monster approved security. I was utterly stunned at the cost! How do single, working moms do it? I only need the babies watched for a few hours on my karate class nights, and it is still shockingly expensive. If my hubby dumps me and I have to go back to work full time I will be utterly screwed. I like the program though, and my dragon will have a lot of fun...she desperately needs the socialization because her dragon ways tend to make her a little feisty. Little lion will have fun too, he can get lots of cuddles and tons of snacks. But the cost!!! Wow!

On a brighter note my godson graduated from high school last night. I am so fiercely proud of him! He is a wild one, just like his mommy, so school has always been a chore for him. I have been best friends with his mother since we were in grade school, and we both cried happy tears when he crossed that stage. I remember when he was born, K and I were so young and so wild. I saw him grow from a tiny baby born to a teenage mommy into a tall and fine young man. I feel so proud and I feel so old! Funny thing though, a guy walked past our chairs during the ceremony with an old school curly mullet (seriously) and both K and I said at the same time, "Hey, didn't you date him back in the day?"

Karate and Husbands

I love training in karate, which is a good thing because for my sanity I MUST train. If I don't train then I get anxious and depressed. Plus, I need to hit things...sometimes the monster must be fed by the feeling of the power coursing through me when I strike the bag. I go to a little Shotokan class here in the frozen wasteland on Wednesdays and Fridays. I enjoy it, but sometimes it is tricky to keep up with all of the over-sized egos. I seem to be cursed to always have to cater to over-sized male egos, I even married a man with one of those pesky, over-sized egos. Karate class was good last night, it is wonderful to get out of the house (baby free) and do something just for me. I am with the babies 24/7, and the only breaks I get are my classes. My hubby is fairly supportive, and usually watches the babies, but that isn't working anymore. I have to find a daycare today because the hubby is too busy to watch the babies while I am in class. He is too busy for a lot of things....

Why is it that watching the babies is optional for my hubby, but not for me?

Just. Go. To. Sleep!!!!

My day started at 5:30am. I used to see this time of morning, but back then I would have been up all night working or playing. I HATE early mornings- always have, there is something seriously wrong with seeing the sun rise. I prefer sunsets. But the little lion baby was hungry, and there is no rest to be had when the little lion roars. Anyone who is a mommy knows the impossible, extraordinary vocal range of an 11 month old and how it can plow through your sleep like a monster truck. And how, even when they wake you up from some much needed sleep, they can give you this great big smile that melts your whole world.

Introduction

Hello and good afternoon! Because this is my first post on my first blog I figured some background information was necessary. I chose the name "Monster Mommy" because....well..... I am. I had never wanted kids until I met my husband. I confess that I was a little wild. Before babies I was a successful bail bond/ fugitive recovery agent. My life consisted of late nights, wild parties and even a touch of violence. I was (and still am) a karate instructor, training for over 20 years in traditional Shotokan karate. I was used to fighting, to the wild lifestyle. Then I fell in love....and got pregnant at the age of 34. I was very shocked to find that I was pregnant, I was very unsure as to what I should do. Then we lost the baby at 20 weeks. It spun my life around, the emotional pain of losing a baby is surreal. So we tried again, and had little Kira. Aaden followed two years later- and my life completely changed. I was surprised to find that my maternal love borders on maniacal obsession, a constant vigilance to keep them safe, keep them happy.  Now I sit here in this house, wondering how to reconcile my rather monstrous nature with my extreme desire to care for my beloved babies. And, true to genetics, my babies are just as monstrous as me! So this is for all of the forgotten monster mommas- those of us struggling every day to find our way.